It's been awhile

and i swear i have not forgotten you.

when things get quiet, i don't post. everything is running its course. i'm going to the gym, eating right, and not getting sick as often as i used to. usually when i do, i deserve it. so i accept that.

the gym is good. i go at least 3x a week but shoot for 5x. the past two weeks i've traveled a bit, but i managed to go 3x in chicago =) some days are harder on my body than others. i skip some of the squats and machines that are tough on your back, but i compensate by doubling my time on ab exercises and arm toning.

the skin on my stomach, thighs and arms is getting to me. it's definitely droopy and gross. i hate it. if it's not one thing i hate about myself, i guess it's another. although at least i can hide the skin under clothes...unlike my fat. meh. sometimes i stand in the mirror and push and prod it, wondering what to do about it, wishing it were gone. i'll push it all in and 'pretend' my stomach is flat. HA. so pathetic. once in awhile i have days where it doesn't bother me much, but like anything, there are bad self-conscious days. it makes me fear being intimate with anyone other than EJ. but i am *not* letting fear get in the way of something that could be good. so i'm keeping myself open. i have someone in mind but...LINE UP BITCHES and i'll consider you. grin.

all in all, my self esteem is better. just going out shopping at the grocery store is easier now. people don't stare or point or whisper like before. if there is ANYTHING that you don't want to be in America, it's fat.

i've lost over 100lbs. the numbers aren't right. i was always too embarrased of my starting weight so i never accurately have calculated.

i'm under 200lbs now, around 190, and i started at 301. there. i said it. the big 300. a place i will NEVER be again.