Meh.

i've been feeling depressed. i'm not sure why. ever since i was a kid, sometimes my brain chemicals just go weird on me. it happens out of nowhere...i was diagnosed with Dysthymia when i was 13. i guess it's the kind of chronic thing that you can't get rid of.

it's like suddenly everything seems blah and my self-worth declines. i want constant re-affirmation from people i love that i matter to them, even if i know i do. i don't know why and i wish i could stop it. i withdraw, overthink, can't stop my head, can't sleep. it's one of those nights i guess. emo emo emo...something i really can't help sometimes.

i have a support group meeting tomorrow. i paid $500 for support group meetings for five years from my surgeon's office. so far, the first month was a "special guest" (ie. a therapist who basically told us that we all became fat from childhood trauma or abuse, and then referred us to his practice. harumph). the next month, the support group was canceled because they changed buildings. last month, i was in NC house hunting for the meeting. so i'm going to make it tomorrow night...$500 and 2 meetings. that's $250 a meeting...and there's no refunds. lol. figures, right? doctors can always find a way to screw you.

hopefully i feel better tomorrow. i'm already wondering how i'll get through work. i'm going to try to not take Vicodin anymore, which makes my leg pain sometimes unbearable. and it's usually worse during the day so i'm kind of not looking forward to the next few days. i don't even feel the vicodin anymore. it doesn't mess me up or make me happy and high like it did at first. now it just numbs the leg. which is better than the pain but the last thing i need is an addiction and rehab. i know i'm predisposed. i have to be smart.

here's to tomorrow being an amazing day.