Society + me

This little mp3 thing I brought to the hospital has FM radio on it. I got it off woot.com awhile back for like $15, and totally forgot about it. I scuttled around the house packing for the hospital and realized I need music to get through this, so I packed it.

While listening to the radio as I fell asleep, one of those morning shows asked callers:

"Would you rather be called fat or called a whore?"

90% of people who called in would rather be called a whore.

Something that thin people may not realize: being fat is pretty much the worst thing you can be in America today. The stereotypes/labeling/treatment received as someone obese is bone cutting. I've heard people whisper about me if I can't fit between tables in a restaurant, trying to get to the bathroom. So I stopped going to the bathroom in restaurants. My friends always wanted me to come visit...but the plane seats are so uncomfortable and half the time the seatbelt doesn't fit, and I need an extender. Hearing other passengers snicker isn't my idea of a "fun" vacation. Then there is the physical stuff that comes alone with carrying 100+ lbs of extra weight. Luckily, I don't have diabetes, high blood pressure or any other issues that are weight-related. All I have is ankle pain which is usually relieved by sleeping or staying off my feet for a few hours. If I massage my ankles that sometimes helps too. I am lucky that most of the crap I have had to deal with has not been physical ailments. Although sometimes I wonder, if the emotional baggage I have carried around is any better.

Now, I am too sensitive. My friends call me emo. It's just me. I always take things to heart, even when people are joking, and it's something I need to work on. But I think years of pretending to be OK about my weight, watching it get out of control, hearing the whispers, and lately...isolating myself from friends, has taken an emotional toll.

This surgery is not a quick fix. It's not something that is going to *poof* take away all the issues I have and make me pretty and happy. It's just the first step on a long road I am about to take to make myself healthy -- both physically and emotionally.

Since I have opened up and began talking about my weight and the self-esteem problems, I have had so much support from my friends, I wish I was just honest sooner. But I wasn't even honest with myself. I pretended I was ok, everything was fine, I was happy in my skin...but I have not been, in a long...long....long time.

So far everyone has been amazing. There was one person -- who I haven't talked to in years -- who was trying to dissuade me from surgical intervention. Most people who have not seen or talked to me in years, cannot believe I would do something so "drastic." But they have not seen me. They think I am looking for a quick fix, and I'm not. I know this isn't that. But it is the first step in a long line of steps to making myself happy.

I want this surgery to be a complete success, and I want the weight to come off. I think my confidence will go up. My happiness, even. Then, EJ and I have to move out of Florida. Neither of us have been happy here in years. We will move, somewhere that is mentally healthy for us. Somewhere with land, nice people, clean air...somewhere we can grow as people. I need to get into therapy and work on my self-esteem. My sense of self-worth. I know I am brilliant, I know I am pretty, etc., but I don't *know* it. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, I'm high on my pain meds and blabbling. I guess this is just stream of consciousness. There's a lot to do, and I'm ready to do it.