Thoughts...

So far this blog has mostly been about technical details. Meds and doctors and requirements and insurance. I haven't really talked about me.

I'm feeling nervous and excited for the surgery. It's in four days now, which is unbelievably close...it almost feels unreal. I think dreaming about it for over a year has made it difficult for me to accept that it's happening. I also want to be realistic and face the fact that complications do happen -- just because I am young and healthy does not mean it can't happen to me. The death rate for this surgery is 2%, which is high. And people die from things like hiccups every day (thank you Grey's Anatomy). So I'm excited, nervous but also keeping my head on straight. (Creating a Living Will, etc.)

Another thing I'm doing is telling more people about it. At first, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. But the more people I tell, the more love and support I get. So I'm now freely telling anyone who wants to know what's going on in my life. And most everyone is entirely supportive (although most have not seen me for a few years and cannot believe that I am heavy enough to be a candidate).

I'm also dealing with a lot of issues regarding this ridiculous diet. 5 "replacement meal" shakes a day (18g protein / 23g carb). And one meal with a lean protein and green veggie. The meal is fine, it's totally stuff I would normally eat (minus a starch). But these shakes are getting to me. And my stomach. I am also finding that I'm a lot more stressed than usual. I am not sure if it's because the surgery is so close, or because I use food as an outlet and I do not have that suddenly. This is going to be the hardest part, in my opinion. Dealing with stress without doing things that are harmful. In the past it was cigarettes, drugs...now, I have been using food. And I need to cut off that relationship. I think starting to work out will help. We are planning on joining a gym and getting a trainer. Hopefully I find it an effective way of getting rid of stress...right now, working out is difficult. My ankles hurt. My body feels heavy and uncomfortable. Once I begin to see results, I hope, I'll enjoy it more.

I am so excited for the changes I will be making. Yes, it's hard at first but it's an improvement to my overall life and well being. I want to be healthy; I firmly believe that the mind body connection is real. Once I get my body healthy, I can work on getting my mind as open, positive, accepting, and happy as possible. And that makes it all worth it.

So that's my head. Slightly convoluted, but that's what you get.

Almost 3 days til my life changes forever...