:)

I had a little too much fun with my old pants...

i am so happy today. it's amazing how much better life is when you feel pretty and good about yourself. it only gets better from here...

Pretty

I've been feeling pretty lately. People have always told me "you have such a pretty face" and I would cringe; that is codeword for "too bad your body is so ugly." Or at least, that's what I thought, deep in my self-loathing psychosis.

Yesterday I wore a pair of size 16 jeans that were tight but I think hawt. I looked at them in the mirror and lifted my shirt a bit and was literally shocked at how small my thighs / legs looked. I put on my good bra that gives the cleavage, and a low v-neck shirt, and felt beautiful. It's been sooooooooo long...

I'm so happy I did this.

I've been doing great at the gym! I go between 4 and 5 times a week. It's really helping, with my self-esteem and my heart health / stamina. I can run up and down stairs without being out of breath. Before, when I was topped out at 300lbs, I could barely walk without becoming out of breath. It was just *too much weight*. Now I feel lighter, like I can actually move and stretch and work my body. It's a new world..

i'm officially one of those gastric bypass patients who has 'old pants' photos. these are a size 28. today i fit into 16s. =) (i have no idea where the 16s came from but i found them in a box i unpacked! they are tight but HAWT).

Ani shirt!

Back when I saw Ani in march with LJ and EJ and lyle, i bought a women's XL grey v-neck ani shirt. i had my surgery date already and i thought 'hey i might fit in it someday'. when i tried it on at home that night, it felt sooo tight and awful, i cried.

today EJ unpacked a couple boxes and the shirt was in there. it fits! i'm wearing it now. it makes me feel so much better about myself. little things like this.

It's been awhile

and i swear i have not forgotten you.

when things get quiet, i don't post. everything is running its course. i'm going to the gym, eating right, and not getting sick as often as i used to. usually when i do, i deserve it. so i accept that.

the gym is good. i go at least 3x a week but shoot for 5x. the past two weeks i've traveled a bit, but i managed to go 3x in chicago =) some days are harder on my body than others. i skip some of the squats and machines that are tough on your back, but i compensate by doubling my time on ab exercises and arm toning.

the skin on my stomach, thighs and arms is getting to me. it's definitely droopy and gross. i hate it. if it's not one thing i hate about myself, i guess it's another. although at least i can hide the skin under clothes...unlike my fat. meh. sometimes i stand in the mirror and push and prod it, wondering what to do about it, wishing it were gone. i'll push it all in and 'pretend' my stomach is flat. HA. so pathetic. once in awhile i have days where it doesn't bother me much, but like anything, there are bad self-conscious days. it makes me fear being intimate with anyone other than EJ. but i am *not* letting fear get in the way of something that could be good. so i'm keeping myself open. i have someone in mind but...LINE UP BITCHES and i'll consider you. grin.

all in all, my self esteem is better. just going out shopping at the grocery store is easier now. people don't stare or point or whisper like before. if there is ANYTHING that you don't want to be in America, it's fat.

i've lost over 100lbs. the numbers aren't right. i was always too embarrased of my starting weight so i never accurately have calculated.

i'm under 200lbs now, around 190, and i started at 301. there. i said it. the big 300. a place i will NEVER be again.

Chicago visit

The past 4 days or so I've been in Chicago visiting my best friend Danny from college. It's been amazing to see him. He's like a male me. We just fit even though we haven't seen each other in over a year...it's like we are still roommates.

I have some seriously amazing people in my life. EJ, Julia, Danny, and all of my loyal Facebook stalkers and blog readers. Thanks for supporting me.

Lately

For the first time in 10+ years, when I see myself in the mirror, I don't sigh.

Scale time!

I just weighed myself: 83lbs lost from the time of surgery, 95lbs lost from the time of the diet preceding the surgery (2 week long diet). so almost 100lbs if you go from my highest weight in March.

i feel good about it and myself. my body is getting smaller and i can feel myself fit into things better. when EJ touches me certain parts of my body (even places you wouldn't think of, like my neck) fit in his hands better. the little things like that are really noticeable to me moreso than the big. i feel my ribs and collarbones now, it's been a long time.

i'm doing great on the diet -- not pushing the food, not cheating, etc. i'm allowing myself to slightly indulge. (ex: we went to a block party and i had a teeny tiny bite of a ginger cookie -- it was yum and i was fine). i haven't been sick in almost two weeks, and last time was accidental. we went to a sushi place, i ordered chicken and lettuce wraps, and there were hidden noodles in there. not fun, but lesson learned.

my back pain is now chronic. it's unbearable. i went to the Hope Spine and Rehab clinic last week for injections...i didn't even ask what they were, i just told her to do it. everywhere. anywhere. anything. my main doctor has me prescribed on vicodin and ultram. my mom was addicted to narcotics for my entire childhood so it scares me. i need to be careful. i am having EJ hold them but i need to find a natural solution. hot baths help and the shots help for a few days. i'm also doing accupuncture when i get my next paycheck. i cannot become addicted. i will not, after all i've been through. i called the doctor this morning, they gave me "Ultram" which is non-narcotic pain relief. it's been almost a week without taking a Vicodin and it's bad. i was up all night in the bath, the pain is unbearable...

but if anyone asks me if it's worth it, i would still say yes. my self-esteem is better, i look better, i have 2 skirts, i've lost a ton of weight...the spine doctor thinks it's the weight loss that's fucking up my back. my bones/muscles/body is shifting so rapidly my back can't keep up. it makes sense but it doesn't help the pain any. it fucking hurts.

other cons..my hair is falling out pretty bad. i started taking natural Biotin vitamin (100mg/day) to help protein/hair/nail growth at the suggestion of my bariatric nurse. we'll see if it helps...

cross your fingers, please. i need it.

First skirt ever

EJ bought me a beautiful embroidered skirt today.

It's the first time I've worn a skirt...since....ever.

=)

Meh

They weighed/measured me at the gym tonight. I've lost almost 3 inches in my arms from toning up, which is awesome, but only lost 2 lbs since I began going religiously a few weeks ago...

I wonder if this is my first real plateau, or if I'm just gaining muscle which weighs more.

Meh. How is this even possible with how little I eat and how much I puke?